


Driven

by WolfAndHound_Archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-06
Updated: 2004-06-26
Packaged: 2018-05-18 15:01:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5932555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfAndHound_Archivist/pseuds/WolfAndHound_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After being released from Azkaban, Sirius gets out to find Remus has moved on, or has he?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Driven

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Lassenia, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Wolf and Hound](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Wolf_and_Hound), which was created to make stories posted to the Sirius_Black_and_Remus_Lupin Yahoo! mailing list easier to find. However, even though I still love the fandom, I am no longer active in it and do not have the time to maintain it. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in December 2015. I posted an announcement with Open Doors, but we may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on the [Wolf and Hound collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/wolfandhound/profile).

Sirius stood for a moment looking at the house. It was a small, two storey house with a front porch looking out on a small, well kept lawn. The outside was brown, with dark green shutters on the windows, and a red front door in the middle of the porch. It was one of many similar looking houses on Hornhead Road which was located at the edges of Hogsmeade. It was the house that Remus Lupin called home.

He still couldn't believe tht he was standing here. What had possessed him to come here? He could travel anywhere he wanted to. He'd been doing so for the past year. He'd just arrived from Naples. Before that he'd visited Monte Carlo, Hong Kong and Sydney. The world was his to discover. He'd been planning on going to Salem, Massachusettes next, before he ended up here.

He was a free man. A free man still imprisoned by memories of the past. Memories of friends, memories of trust. Memories of deceit, lies and betrayal. Memories of loss.

In Azkaban, the dementors stole away all your happy thoughts. Sirius suspected the reason he had kept his mind was because there were no happy thoughts to be found by the dementors...oh, they were there. They were just never seen. They were buried under miles of misery. Misery from James and Lily being dead because of him. Misery from their murderer being out there free as a bird, or more appropriately, a rat. Misery from the entire world and Remus Lupin hating him.

Misery from the knowledge that he'd never get to explore the possibilities of a life with the most kind and helpful man he'd ever known.

In Azkaban, people went insane. He was never in danger of that happening. If there was ever a point when insanity loomed, it was that disastrous day when Peter blew up the street full of muggles and escaped down the sewer.

It was funny in a hysterical kind of way.

Peter. Stupid, weak, little Peter had outsmarted him. Left him here with secrets only he knew, and no one outside of Mungo's would dare believe.

Including Remus. How could he ever have suspected Remus? Remus' best subject in school had been Defense Against the Dark Arts. He seemed to go out of his way to prove that he wasn't a creature of evil. (If this was for the sake of others, or for himself, Sirius wasn't sure.) Remus was also one of the first in line to fight against the giants and the dementors in the dark times. Looking back, it seemed ludicrous to suspect Remus of being Voldemort's spy. It appeared even Sirius was subject to werewolf prejudices.

It was hysterical in a tragic kind of way.

In the months leading up to the performance of the Fidelius charm, he had been growing more and more suspicious of Remus. Conversations were cut short with the excuse that he had important places to be. Less communicative and courteous, he slowly grew apart from the other man, until he became more of an everyday acquaintance than a friend.

Only after getting to Azkaban did he realize that it was this very behaviour that drove Remus to believe that he was the spy.

It was tragic in an ironic kind of way.

In Azkaban, you got no second chances. All you had were the remembrances of chances lost. All you had were the years of wasted opportunities. The thoughts of what "might've been." The brutal clarity of knowing you never took what would've been so readily given to you, if you'd only asked.

Sirius didn't know how long he stood there, lost in his own head. Lost in memories he couldn't bring himself to focus on, yet couldn't bring himself to push away. All the classes and parties, feasts and quidditch matches, friends and girlfriends. No particular moment really stood out, but they were all there.

All the nights Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs roamed the grounds of Hogwarts.

It was like those muggle pictures where they took several hundred small pictures, then put them together in such a way, that when you stood back far enough, you saw one big picture.

All the passes disguised as jokes, glances explained away, touches never discussed.

One picture from hundreds of others.

All the years of saying "there's always tomorrow."

It all became so clear from afar.

"Mom! It's the man in the paper!"

Sirius was suddenly brought back in to the moment by a small boy of around six, who was riding a toy broomstick. The boy, who had stopped a short distance from him, and was busy pointing a toy wand at Sirius, while yelling at his mother, who was rushing up, "I remember him! He used to be in the paper all the time!"

When she reached the boy, she knelt down beside him, and lowered his wand arm while saying, "Devon, it's very rude to point and holler," then after glancing up at Sirius she added, "you should apologize to Mr. Black."

After the boy had muttered out an apology and started off again, his mother stood up to face Sirius. "I'm very sorry as well," then after a beat, she turned to continue after her son down the street.

I'm sorry.

It didn't make him feel better. All it did was make him want to scream. Their apologies did absolutely nothing. They didn't bring back those lost twelve years of his life. They didn't get rid of the nightmares. Their apologies didn't make him hate them any less. It made him hate them more.

They thought they were helping, that they were making amends. They would go home at night and say, "I apologized to Sirius Black today," and then they would go to sleep feeling cleansed of all their sins.

They didn't know that with every 'sorry' they uttered, they added to his hatred of them. He would lay in his bed at night, despising them. Hoping that tomorrow would bring a day with no apologies, no hatred, and no past. He just wanted to move forward, but every day, people would drag him back with "I'm sorry."

That was why he was here, he realized. To move forward. To forget about the past. To spend time with a person who wouldn't say, "I'm sorry."

Sirius started to walk up the small path to the front door. It suddenly occured to him that this was an unexpected visit. Remus surely had a life. What if he had plans? What if he wasn't home? He quickly crushed his doubts. No more thoughts, just action.

He stood in front of the door for a second, steeling his resolve, and knocked. There was nothing for a moment, then he could hear footsteps approaching. Before the door was even open he could hear Remus' voice from the other side,"You surprise me sometimes." There was laughter in the other man's voice. The door started to open. "I didn't think y-" and whatever he had been about to say, to whomever he'd thought was there, died in his throat.

Sirius felt like time had expanded. This moment was forever. This moment was heaven. Redemption.

This moment was salvation.

He never got to see Remus at his official release ceremony last year. It took place the day after the full moon. He was mentioned in Cornelius Fudge's official speech, for being involved with the capture of Peter, but he got no official award for his actions. To this day, he hadn't seen Remus. He wasn't sure precisely why. After the ceremony, he was busy with paperwork to make himself Harry's legal guardian, then he spent the entire summer having the time of his life with his godson. That was until Harry went to the World Cup with the Weasleys. After that, Harry stayed with them until he went back to school. When Harry left, he made the decision to travel. He travelled until he ended up here, in the bright summer sun, looking at his last remaining childhood friend.

Remus looked slightly worse for wear. He was wearing an old-looking grey robe unbuttoned to reveal a white t-shirt and old denims underneath. His hair looked self cut and he had a surprising amount of grey mixed within the light brown. He also had visible circles under his eyes.

These things didn't surprise Sirius. He had expected them. Life as a werewolf wasn't easy as a student, and it couldn't get easier with time. What did surprise him was his reaction to Remus' appearance. He felt like the wind had been knocked out of his body. He felt the blood moving through his veins making him tingle. He felt lightheaded. He felt himself smiling. He all of a sudden realized he was smiling. When had he started smiling?

Their eyes met. How long could this moment last?

Not long enough. For next thing he knew Remus was trying to speak. "I, uh, may, c-,a...Sirius? I-it's you... I don't believe it." He continued to fumble for words, as he looked past Sirius up and down the street, as if hoping there would be someone there to tell him he wasn't seeing things. He looked back towards Sirius and decided to go with, "What're you doing here? This is so..." and here he appeared to give up on trying to speak in lengthy sentences.

Their eyes met again.

"Please, come in."

So he did.


	2. Chapter Two

Remus felt as if the floor had given in and he was falling. Falling out of control with no sign of the ground. Yet, he wasn't afraid. Fear was something for people other than himself. What he did feel, strangely enough, was numb.

Not because there was nothing to feel. Quite the opposite, in fact. The moment he opened the door and saw who was on the other side, he felt so many emotions hit him at once, that his brain must've suffered some kind of overload, because all he was left with was this numbness.

As he led Sirius to the small, combined kitchen and dining room at the back of the house, he thought of all the times over the years that he had dreamed of meeting Sirius again.

After Sirius was arrested, he'd dreamed of punishing the other man. Smashing him into a wall, screaming at him, making him hurt as much as he'd hurt everyone else. He would act out in his head, all the rage and anger that he would never perform in the waking world. Countless times, he imagined using the Cruciatis Curse on Sirius. Countless times, he pictured, in vivid detail, making him writhe on the ground until he screamed. Countless times, he would use the Cruciatis Curse but never Avada Kedavra.

Sirius didn't deserve the release of death in his dreams.

Slowly, over time, he began to ask questions in his dreams. He would create intense interrogation scenes of confession. He would try to understand what made Sirius turn into a spy. Night after night, he would imagine asking Sirius what the dark side had to offer that the light couldn't. He would ask Sirius if he ever regretted his actions. If he would do it again, knowing how it would turn out. Then he would ask if there was anything he, one of Sirius' oldest friends, could've done to make things different. Was any of this his fault? Could one of them prevented his fall? He imagined countless scenarios, with his 'Dream Sirius' offering him just as many explanations. Still, none of it gave him peace of mind. It just made him feel hollow and empty.

Eventually he gave up on those imaginary meetings. When he inevitably thought of Sirius he would try to focus on the times before...well, just before. Only problem was, he discovered that those memories were now tainted. Anytime he thought of the years they knew each other before the dark times came, his throat would inexplicably tighten up, and his eyes would start to burn from unwanted tears. For all he could think of was his silent love that had grown, as he had grown. All he could remember were his old hopes of a future with Sirius. All he could see in his mind, was himself, waking up each day with a constant hope that **today** would be the day Sirius would approach him.

When he thought of those old hopes with his current knowledge of who Sirius really was, he knew true anguish. He couldn't stand it. This life without love. This love without end. So, it didn't take him long to decide that, if the past was that painful to revisit, he wouldn't. He locked Sirius and everything else in a room at the back of his mind, and never went near it.

For the next, many years of his life, Remus didn't think or dream of Sirius at all. At least, not in his conscious mind. But he didn't find any new dreams either. He existed in a sort of half life, removed from the past, yet unwilling to totally let go and move on.

As he sat Sirius and himself down on opposite sides of the small round table in the kitchen, he thought of when his dreams of meeting Sirius had started again.

Almost two years ago, now, he ended up teaching at Hogwart's. He was finally beginning to feel comfortable, and able to accept the way things were. Some of it was from time, and some of it may have been from seeing Harry on the Hogwarts Express. Harry Potter... now thirteen years old, looked so much like James. Remus almost felt like he had gone back in time. He'd slept most of the train ride, and only shared a few words with the boy before getting off, but those few moments made him realize that the world had moved on. His friends were now a part of the past, and he was here in the present, talking to their future. It was at this moment that he felt like he was ready to move on.

Fast forward to the end of the school year. That night he discovered Sirius was innocent. That night he captured Peter, and squeaked a confession out of him. That night when he wanted to see Sirius so badly, he felt he was going to go insane.

All night long, trapped in his werewolf form, he dreamt of rushing into Padfoot's arms, telling him how much he loved him. How he could never move on without him.

Never move on.

As they say across from each other at the table, in a tense silence, Remus couldn't think of anything to say. Sirius still hadn't said a word. He just sat there, with that ever present smile. It seemed impossible that fourteen years of separation could yield such a situation. As the silent seconds went on, Remus thought of those turbulent weeks when the wizarding world came to learn the truth about Sirius Black.

The day after the full moon, he felt like Hell. He looked like Hell too. Still, it was irrelevent to him. He spent the entire day talking to any ministry official he could find. He wanted to see Sirius. He didn't want a lot, just a short meeting. Not one of them would allow a visit. They informed him that Sirius had been taken to an undisclosed location to be **looked after.** Eventually he was told that he could see 'Mr. Black' at the official release ceremony next month. It was gonna be a grand gala. Dress robes only. He was accepting of this until he found out that it was in **exactly** one month.

The day after the full moon.

He tried desperately to get them to change it. A few days forward, a few days back, it didn't matter. Unsurprisingly, nothing was changed. He had a dark suspicion that the date was chosen specifically for him not to be there.

The next day he was politely informed by owl that it was invitation only, and security was **unrelenting.**

So he dreamt. Dreamt of seeing Sirius again. Making love to him. Telling him he needed him. Every time he woke up he felt a jolting pain overcome him, when he realized Sirius wasn't there. Then he remembered that he would be there soon enough, and he would smile to himself. He would be there after the ceremony was over. Just a little while longer, he'd tell himself.

Just a little while longer.

"Would you like some tea?", he asked into the prevailing silence, when it seemed Sirius wasn't going to say anything soon.

Sirius looked back at him with the same grin that he'd been sporting since he'd arrived. "Sure."

"I already have water in the kettle," he explained as he went to get a pair of teacups and spoons, in an effort to kill the silence, "I was gonna have some tea anyway, before you knocked."

"Only now you don't have to endure it alone," Sirius quipped as Remus came over and placed the necessary implements between them.

"Oh, I've endured far worse than 'Tea for One,'" was his cryptic reply as he went to tap the kettle to boil with his wand.

Sirius didn't seem to have a reply and descended back into silence.

The silence. It was like an entity in the room, making things uneasy. Remus felt the silence was a threat, or a warning in disguise. A warning that was telling him that they couldn't pick up their friendship where they'd left off fourteen years ago. Silence between them **used** to be comfortable. It was a warning telling him that this wasn't the same man he had once known.

Just as he wasn't the same man that Sirius had once known.

As he poured the boiling water into their cups, Remus was slightly surprised to find the numbness was retreating, only to reveal a jaded anger rising within him. He didn't like anger. Anger was an uncontrolled emotion, and he needed control now, more than ever.

Remus noticed that Sirius was still smiling. It was getting annoying. Was he smiling because he was 'finally' here? Most likely. He just didn't realize that it wasn't something to be proud of. It appeared some things never changed.

Stop it, he told himself. This was childish. If he had a problem he should just bring it out. Now.

He sat back down at the table, tea cups forgotten, and looked at Sirius.

"What're you doing here?"

Sirius gave him a confused look, then asked, "What?"

"What're you doing here? Now. After all this time," he paused and took a deep breath. "You've been out a year and I haven't heard or read one... ONE word from you," his voice started to get sharper, "then you show up today, on my doorstep, out of the blue, no notice, no warning," he stopped, took a breath, then pointedly asked, "Why are you here?"

Sirius looked taken aback. He shook his head, his grin faltering a little, then said, "I had to see you. I suddenly realized that, in order to move on with my life, to finally be happy, I had to come see you."

"You had to see me." was all Remus could repeat. It was all that mattered of Sirius' brief explanation. "Well, you sure took your time."

He saw Sirius' eyes light up in understanding of his sudden surly behaviour, "I know. There's no excuse for it, I know. It's just, I kept saying to myself, 'I'll go see him soon.' Right after I go to Rome, right after the Grand Canyon... right after Buenos Aires...," he trailed off. He looked at Remus, "And I know that's unacceptable."

Sirius suddenly reached out and grabbed Remus' hands in his own. Then solemnly said, "But, I'm here now," he looked deeply into Remus' eyes, his feelings and intents shining out of his own black eyes, "Hopefully that counts for something."

Remus saw sincere remorse and apology in both Sirius' words and eyes. In that moment he felt his anger slowly ebb away. He sighed, "It does," then before he could continue, Sirius cut him off.

"Good, because I was a fool before. I took you for granted, and forgive me if I'm moving a little fast, but I feel like I've already wasted too much time here. I've wasted so much time," Remus saw him lose focus for a second, as though he were fighting with extreme emotions, "I want you to know that I regret never... exploring, with **you** , the possibilities of..." the confession died on his lips as he looked beseechingly at Remus for comprehension so he didn't have to continue in words.

Remus felt his eyes widen when he suddenly understood what Sirius was telling him.

That sensation of falling was back.

Then he realized that Sirius was about to say more. Now that he knew where this was going, he wanted to scream and tell him to stop talking. His mind was pleading. Don't say what can't be taken back, Sirius. Don't cross that line! Please. For me! But he was frozen in place. He could only sit there, a spectator to what Sirius was saying.

"I want to start over..."

Sit there and listen to the words that were destroying him.

"Right now. I want to move forward, with you..."

Sit there and wish he'd never been born, so he'd never have to feel this hurt.

"No more regrets."

Sit there and finally realize, 'there is no God.'

Sirius suddenly stood up, and never letting go of Remus' hand, pulled him out of his chair, so they stood facing each other, eye to eye, with only their intertwined hands between them.

As Remus stood there, he felt the pain subside into an old, familiar ache inside of himself.

"Sirius, you're here and that means 'everything' to me..." to emphasize the point he squeezed their hands together tighter than ever.

He wanted time to stop. This moment was so bittersweet. It sang of hope and of old dreams come true. He didn't want to move forward to the reality.

He didn't want to say this, but Sirius deserved the truth, even if it was painful. Very quietly, he said, "But, you're too late," and here he gently removed his hands from Sirius' warm grasp, and took a step back.

Sirius looked at him and the look of quiet grief on his face, then asked, with a note of dread in his voice, "What do you mean 'too late'?"

Remus couldn't believe that this was happening. This cruel twist of fate. He couldn't stand to see the hope dimming in Sirius' eyes. This was the ultimate proof that he was cursed.

"What I mean is that I-"

He was cut off by the sound of the front door opening, and the loud, cheerful voice of a man calling out, "Twenty-four Hornhead Road! Sometimes I'm surprised I even remember the address!"

Remus could **not** have imagined worse timing.

He saw Sirius' face take on a startled expression as he looked toward the hallway, then back at him.

They stared at each other for an eternal moment across the expanse that separated them. It felt like his wish to stop time had been granted. Too late, he thought numbly, always too late.

Sirius broke the moment first by asking the question, that undoubtedly, was consuming his mind, "Who's that?"

Too bad that moment couldn't last forever.

"That would be Del. My fiance."


End file.
